--Rednecks and Jocks Play Halo--
--Here are Some Real Games--

1. Contra - You are a shirtless, muscle bound army commando wearing a bandana in the distant future who single handedly takes on not only a terrorist organization, but also an attack on planet earth from aliens. If that was the plot I was looking for, why then did I not put Halo in this spot? Simple; Master Chief uses a sissy fully body armor. He can take about 50 bullets before his death. Bill Rizer gets killed in one shot, but he still manages to pull the most impossible crap like back flipping over bullets without even taking his finger off the trigger of his rail gun. The boss of the game is a giant alien heart, and we learned from metroid that organ themed bosses are the most awesome. My only complaint about this game is that there are not enough ninjas.
   
   
2. Super Contra - One year after Bill (Player 1) and Lance (Player 2) take on craploads of aliens and chill out by playing poker with ninjas and arm wrestling, the are called back into action. Looks like no one else can take out aliens quite like these guys can. The action kicks it up a notch with 5 different guns. You get a shotgun by default! It is then your option to acquire a spread gun, a machine gun, a laser, or a grenade launcher. None of that "needler" crap you steal off some sissy grunt while he is pleasuring himself when you sneak up behind him. Once again Halo gets put to shame. I played this game for 30 minutes and then cut my finger; I bled testosterone. There are less shirts in this game than there are in the girls gone wild video that none of my 18 year old friends will buy me.
   
   
3. Contra III alien wars - Definitely the manliest game of all. This is the first game of the lot that comes with an in-depth story line; So in-depth that I can quote it for you.
   

   Narrator: A.D. 2636. The alien wars begin!
   Bill: It's time for revenge.
   Lance: Let's attack aggressively!
   Lord Tony: This game friggin' rules!

   You are then flung into level 1. There is only one rule of contra: never stop shooting. I suggest duct tapping the "B" button down. Most people like to give an explanation of level 3 for the manliness factor, but I believe that level 4 doesn't get nearly enough credit. Level for starts out with you riding a hovercycle with one hand and shooting down another hovercycle gang with the other. After that come the jet pack warriors backed up by a fast moving tank. once you brush that minor challenge aside comes the dirigible right overhead with all sorts of guns below it. At one point of the dirigible passing you, you must fight a seeming infinite supply of monkey things, they will continue coming at you until you kill the one that is a different color than the rest. Pass the flame thrower and you have gotten past the underside of the dirigible. Before you can even take a breath, a robot with long legs falls from the sky, and you still on the hovercycle blow the hell out of it. Then, overhead, flies a helicopter with a large missile under it with an arrow pointing at the missile. You then jump off of you bike and grab onto the missile (with one arm of course). The helicopter gains some elevation and then fires the missile you are holding on to, but not before forcing you to fight a ninja with one hand. Before you realize where the missile is going you see more of the same type of missile behind you, and the catch up. Here enters the boss of the level: the same dirigible you blew the belly off of. You must now jump from missile to missile (with one hand) while blowing some sense into this thing. With your help, the constant barrage of missiles succeeds in destroying the thing. Without even explaining how you got down, level 5 begins. They couldn't even make that into a movie without screwing up some of the action. This game is actually so manly that the only negative review was posted by a gay guy complaining about how hard it was (I thought gay guys liked it hard). [source]
   
   
4. Contra: Hard Corps - Did you read the name?! A few of the reviews I read about it said that they didn't actually know anyone who has beaten it.
   
   
5. Mary-Kate & Ashley's Magical Mystery Mall - I got it just to stare at the cover. If they weren't 18 already I would have made some "I can't wait" jokes. If you are a 45 year old bald man with an obsession for 15 year old girls, this is the perfect game for you. Sadly The Olsens wear shirts unlike Bill and Lance.
   
   
6. Contra: Shattered Soldier - This one is so manly that if I even try to describe it, it would fill a large book. So I will only attempt the opening scene. Some time after the alien wars, Bill Rizer unleased a bomb that wiped out 80% of the earth's population and murdered his best friend Lance. He has been in complete lockdown for a few years, and looks super awesome with long shaggy hair. Someone finally lets him out of his cell to take on another shipment of aliens and terrorists. He gets cleaned up and then kicks open a metal door with a machine gun in one hand and a cigarette in his mouth. Since Lance died (kind of), Bill is now backed up by an android chick wearing next to no clothing, just the way it was meant to be. There are more ninjas in this game than in any other game I have ever seen, even Ninja Gaiden. The only thing this game lacks is... darn, this game pwns.
   
   
7. Neo Contra - Never played it, but the cover has a samurai on it. Sweet!

Top this and I will give you a dollar.