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--Mission Retarded--
--Aka: Parahraphs are for Sissies--
The Con:
It was dark. It was really dark. Looking back on it, the darkness made sense. "Why the Hell is it so freakin' dark!?" I asked. "We are in a ventilation shaft, moron. You watch way too much TV if you expected to see through this," my accomplice responded. It was true, we were in fact in a ventilation shaft, and I did in fact, watch too much TV. Luckily Nathan brought along a flashlight that he clicked on after my question. "Happy now?" He shined it in my eyes. Now, for those of you who haven't been in an air vent before, it was fairly cramped, and when someone shines a bright light in your eyes, you are left with two options: option A) ignore it, or option B) deliver a swift kick to the face and scuttle away like a snake in a boot factory. I chose the latter. Another thing TV doesn't tell you about crawling through a ventilation shaft is that it is cold, and now that the darkness wasn't an issue anymore, the cold got to me. Luckily I was getting my blood flowing by trying to get away from Nathan. Nathan also came prepared for the cold. He was wearing a thick jacket which, lucky for me, slowed him down just enough to keep him from taking his revenge. My vent dashing would have gone on for quite some time had it not been for a grate I managed to stub my finger on. "I found it!" I called out. "Don't just look at it; go down!" Nathan yelled back. I then employed my first response to any situation: I punched it. The grate swung open leaving the perfect opening for us to gracefully fall into the building we had so painstakingly breached. "Here goes nothing," I thought to myself as I dove headfirst out of the shaft. This time I felt really stupid, because you see, the thing TV does let you in on is that from vent to floor, it is a long way down. It was a good thing my face broke my fall. I rolled over so that my swollen face was now looking upward at the vent just in time to see a rope being lowered. The lowering of the rope was followed by Nathan rappelling down the wall. We looked at each other, both with our swollen faces. "What goes around comes around," he chuckled. I stood up to take a look around. We were in a bathroom complete with wet floors and the most evil racist crap anyone will ever see carved into both walls and toilets alike. "Phase one completed," I boldly stated as if the plan had phases. Phases or no phases, we were now in the building and that was all that mattered. Nathan shed his jacket to reveal a jet black jump suit and tons of cool spy equipment that I insisted we bring. I tossed Nathan his ski-mask and then put mine on. We were going to phase two. Sadly, the plan was kind of thrown together and phases, once again, meant nothing. I pulled out my silenced PP7 and gave Nathan the signal. Much like phases, we were kind of playing the signals by ear as well. This signal was meant to mean that I was going to open the bathroom door and cap any guards outside. Nathan nodded pretending like he knew what the signal meant. I slowly opened the door ready to shoot anything that looked alive. There was a dead guard on the floor, it looked as though someone had gotten to him before us. I left the bathroom to check it out, and I felt something on the back of my head. I turned just enough to notice that another PP7 was staring me eye to eye. At first I felt shock, followed by relief. It was our inside man. "Yo, Austin, it's me," I whispered as I lifted my mask enough to reveal my face. Austin was our inside man because he didn't like getting his hands dirty, and I mean literally. He would kill anyone heartlessly, but you would be hard pressed to see him crawling through an air vent like me and Nathan. He lowered his gun and I gave the signal telling Nathan the coast was clear. I then went back in the bathroom and told him the coast was clear. Nate Dawg dragged the guard's body into the bathroom and the two of us dumped our ski masks and cool spy gear on top of him. We had apparently brought too much stuff because the brunt of our mission was over. We washed all the loose blood off of ourselves in the bathroom and headed out looking like Goths with all of our black clothes. We then grabbed a few plates and covered them with pepperoni pizza. We found a nice seat (away from the bathroom) and began to pig out. And that is the story of how me and Nathan ate at Cici's for free. Austin had to pay to get in; he was our inside man.
Quote of the Day:
"My spoon is too big."
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