--Blasphemy--

Please Don't Kill Me:
Now, if you know me at all or have even read a little of my stuff, then you should know that I love pissing people off. This is not the case for God. Screwing with God is a bad idea. So while you might notice that the title of the next portion of this segment is "If I Were God," you should keep in mind that I am not God, and that I would like to stay on his good side. That said, onto to the action!

If I Were God:
I figure I can just cut the crap this time around. If I were God:
  • The Ten Commandments would be the Five Commandments and look something like this:
    1. Thou shalt not forget thine turn signal.
    2. Thou shalt not quote Napoleon Dynamite.
    3. Thou shalt not murder babies before they are born.
    4. I see any one of you drawing two girls making out and calling it art, it's all over... er... I mean... Thou shalt not draw two girls making out and etc.
    5. Thou shalt not use weapons in a fist fight or thou ist a panzy.

  • Jesus would have been either a ninja or Bruce Lee.
  • Or maybe a caveman.
  • Having sex with anything other than a living member of the opposite sex would send you straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect 200$.
  • Nicole Kidman would have never been born.
  • Sam and Max would have never been cancelled.
  • Angels would all be built like Arnold from Predator, and instead of wings they would wear hover boots. Man that would own.
  • Prays would be answered with yes, no, or a brisk kick in the nuts.
  • Women wouldn't complain about how I made them look.
  • I would have no pity on environmentalists or equal rights activists.
  • The first draft of the Bible would have been on DVD with commentary by Morgan Freeman, and The Crow would play if you found the secret on the back of the CD.
  • Oh, and Brandon Lee wouldn't have died in it.
Besides that, it would be about the same. I would eventually realize that I would need to change even more stuff just to keep up with the stuff I already changed. It wouldn't be that hard if I really was God. I kind of like the way God does things anyway. It rules being a slightly upper class white male living in America.

Question of the Day:
"What is the difference between Clorox and Clorox 2? They taste the same."


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